Trading lives with “Zentopia”

When you see someone who has it all together, as you seem to fall endlessly into the abyss, do you ever wish you could trade lives? For a day? A month? Longer? I do. It usually occurs right around the time I can no longer fit in my skinny jeans. My gauge for when life has gotten completely out of control.  Like so many of us, food brings me joy. Seriously, PURE joy!  This isn’t a bad thing, for those with self awareness and control. However, I am not that person.

When shit gets crazy, sex and food are my “happy pills”.

Thankfully, my fear of catching a deadly disease pretty much keeps my libido in check. On the flip side, I only have a muffin top to keep my food intake in check. Sadly, it usually reaches the point that the muffin “top” could fill another tin before I take notice. doughnuts-sign_1372_1373626The last time I attempted to put my skinny jeans on, I swear I heard them scream, “NOOOO! For the love of God woman! Put the fluffy, warm, delicious Krispy Kreme ‘HOT NOW’ doughnut down, take 30 minutes for YOURSELF and go for a walk instead. I’M DYING HERE!!!”

Mmm… MUFFINS!!! Poor jeans. Don’t you feel bad for them? NO, of course not! Instead you are probably saying what most rational humans would say, “Woman! If you want to overcome your spillage issue just take one small step in the direction you want to go. That’s it!!!” Trust me, from a psychological standpoint, I get it. Typically, it is much easier for humans to grasp and achieve things in baby bites (errrrr, “steps”, sorry); but then there are people like me. People who understand the psychology behind “small steps” and naturally respond with “FUCK you. You’re not going to Jedi mind-trick me into ANYTHING!” EVEN IF it is beneficial. Some might call our behavior “self sabotage”, “detrimental”, even “rebellious”…all of which may be true. However, the point is not to label it. The point is to get past it. But how?

How does a person who fully comprehends the “butterfly effect” of EVERY decision, and is often crippled by said effect, even begin to “just take one small step.“? My theory: You don’t.

Instead, you go all-in and decide to trade lives with someone for a month. Seriously, pick your “ideal person” and trade. Be realistic when choosing your ideal person please… no freaking Kardashian BS here. The whole point of this is to become a BETTER version of YOU. Zentopia-0515To become a better human, which is why my life swap is with “Little Miss. Zentopia”. She’s AH-MAZING!!!

Little Miss. Zentopia is THE ideal consciously aware, mindful woman. She understands how important it is to take care of her mind through yoga, her body through exercise, her spirit through art and her soul through meditation. While I merely dabble with all of these things, she fully understands the value of consistency with these practices; something I am absolutely dreadful at. For real, I can think of nothing that I do consistently, not even sleep. Which, I tell myself, is both a blessing and a curse because “HEY! I’m adaptable!” but that also means “HEY! I get nothing done!” SO, it’s time to try something new, something like Little Miss. Zentopia’s CONSISTENT, loving and mindful life.

After all, only good things can come from it. Right? God, I hope so

I’m THAT mom… the one that sells everything & takes off.

I can hear my family now, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘ the one that sells everything & takes off.’!?!?” No worries, I haven’t abandoned my children; at least not yet. Nor have I decided to join a convent, though I probably should… Sweet Jesus! The things I’ve done… Sorry, I digress. We’ll save those stories for another time. SO, yeah, why don’t I just explain what I mean by “the one that sells everything & takes off”?

This past April, I ran across a post on Facebook that read “According To Science This Is The Perfect And Best Road Trip You Can Possibly Take.” Instantly, I re-posted it to my wall and wrote, “I want to complete this road trip in a VW Camper Van!!! Who’s in??? 48 x 2 = 96 plus a couple of extra days drive time. ‪#‎100dayjourney‬ !!! I feel a blog coming on!!!” WHAT in the hell!?! Had I lost my mind? 

Thoughts along the lines of “I couldn’t possibly… I shouldn’t… could I?.. No… Of course not…” began to play on repeat in my head. Thankfully, they were abruptly interrupted by a ‘new comment’ notification on THE post. One of my Uncles, the one who I haven’t seen in roughly 30 years, chimed in with “I happen to know where the VW is…” and BAM! A switch flipped and I wanted nothing more than to give the good old “American Dream” the fucking middle finger and hit the road with my kids before they give ME the middle finger and fly the coop!

Like most of you, I have always wanted to travel the entire United States. Just like most of you, I was told I should follow a certain “path” commonly referred to as “The American Dream”.  You know the one… get a 9-5 job working for “the man”, get married, buy a house in suburbia, have 2.5 children (How is that even possible!?!? I mean reeeeeeally… which genius came up with THAT number? Fucking statistics!) and stay forever in debt trying to keep up with what society tells us we need.  It sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Of course it does!!!

IT IS lovely, divine really. Until one day you end up single, in a job that pays so little you don’t even qualify for OBAMAcare (THANKS North Carolina!), which then leads to you potentially becoming homeless with the 2 kids, 7 pets and house full of shit you accumulated over the last decade of attempting to live the ever-so-sought-after “American Dream”. FUCK THAT!!!

Fuck that shit. Seriously. I never should have listened to those people. Neither should you. Learn from me. I spent DECADES trying to “follow suit” only to repeatedly find the suit didn’t fit. So now, I am giving “The American Dream” the oh-so-traditional one-finger American salute!

Sooo, WELCOME to my life and the “crazy” decision I have made to sell nearly all of my possessions, find homes for our 4 cats and 3 dogs, enroll my children in “home school” and take off on that trip. The one that sparked the madness, the one that I call “The NEW American Dream”.

Let’s see how it goes, shall we?